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A 17 year old written ramble to self  

michaellance1971 52M
0 posts
11/1/2018 1:35 am
A 17 year old written ramble to self


17 years ago I wrote the following. This was right around the time of the world trade center attacks. I was living in SD working for a cable company. I reread it and have to admit I was less cynical and definitely more liberal. Amazing how life experiences can mold a person. I am happy with who I have become though. I am a much better person overall.

I am almost 30, and I feel as if I have done nothing with my life. I have<b> traveled. </font></b>I have worked, and I have 3 beautiful little girls that I do not get the chance to raise, though, I think about them constantly, and see the youngest two whenever I possibly can. I have made a lot of money for someone my age, though I nothing to show for it other then my house in Des Moines, and a few meager possessions. I feel like a fake. I used to feel as if God had something planned for my life that was going to make a difference, something very important. I felt like this because on several occasions I had cheated death where I should have died, where anyone else would have…

I think back to all the people I have touched in my life, and the pain and misery that I had caused to them. My Mother, Brother, and a woman who I will always love, who treated me far better then I deserved, the most I believe. I am not a bad person at heart though, I carry no grudges… there are probably quite a few people that hate me… though I myself could not possibly hate anyone anymore. I have learned that people do what they do. Sometimes it does not make any sense, but that’s just the way it is. I have no control over them, just as they have no control over me, and because of this I could not possibly judge as others in life seem so easily able to do.

I feel as if I have gotten my life together somewhat though. That I have gained a conscience about the things that I do, and the people around me that will be affected by my actions. I get up in the morning to go to work, though I have trouble falling asleep at night. I pay my bills. I treat others decently and with respect, though I ask nothing in return.

I guess that I still believe in fairytales in a lot of ways. That maybe now that my views on life have changed, perhaps I will meet my soul mate. I have started believing that my (what I consider a dreadful past), has cursed me somehow. Though I know that my heart is in the right place, I cannot seem to find a good woman. What I have found is heartache, headaches, unfaithfulness, misery, and sleepless nights. I still hold the hope that my life will be complete, and that I in turn will be able to complete some woman’s life, and that we can share each other’s life, be best friends, and live with trust, and happiness. As I said. Seems like a fairytale. (Why can’t this be though?)

I, since Moving to South Dakota have seen many happily married people. A remarkable change from Des Moines. (I am not saying that all married folks here are happy, though I believe that the percentage is definitely more.) I see women who wear their wedding bands with pride, that talk about their husbands, and what they do for a living, as I work in there homes. I feel a pang in my chest, and feel like crying often, when I hear how happy others are, and I do not get the chance to be there myself.

I am not a fool, though perhaps I sound like one. I have lived on the street, and have an excellent education from that place others are afraid to look. Though I am also book smart, and have an excellent education from actual schools, I wonder how others perceive me.

I do not smile often… I think about this fact to myself often. Why? I ask myself, are you not smiling? I guess that I do smile at times on purpose to put others at ease about me, as I feel that my size and the fact that I do not smile and wear sunglasses to block others from seeing my hurt, are quite intimidating to them, quite frankly I guess that I would be as well. So… I put on a smile when a person looks at me… To put there hearts at ease about me… To let them know that I would never hurt them, that just below what they are seeing, is a person, who truly does love them as a person, regardless weather I know them or not.

I have felt like a piece of meat on many occasions. Like all I was good for was sex or money. This is not bragging though, perhaps it may sound like it is. I am sure there are many men that have been in a relationship that they were taught how to really please the woman that they were with, as was the case with myself. She was a very selfish person, who rarely thought of others, though, I outspokenly thank her for making me a good lover, and having no problems in pleasing the most difficult to please, though I wish this quality could be shared for life with someone, and not used and abused by members of the opposite sex. Hmm, I think I may be in touch with my feminine side here, because I bet quite a few women say this very thing.

I pray for a peace in the world. I do not understand mankind. Why do we fight over minerals, and lands? What is the point? Why can’t we just respect each other’s Race and Religions? Why is there so much destruction, and violence? What does it prove in the long run…? If anyone truly knows the answer to that question, please tell me.

Another thought that comes to mind as I sit here and ramble. Why do we have starving people, homeless people, and dying people all over this world? We as Mankind should be responsible for our brothers and sisters throughout the world. I know there are people who do occasionally take advantage of the system that we have in place here in the United States, but I believe that the majority of those that need help, do not ask, or even if they do, are turned away. Is this what we as Humans are about? I think not, though it seems that way. I have in the last week have heard of many acts of heroism, why is it that for this to take place, something horrible has to happen? No one should live in the streets freezing in the coldest of winters, no one should wonder where there next meal comes from, and no one should be without medical treatment at all for any reason.

I feel very old at times. Probably because of the life that I have lived. Perhaps I feel this way because of the guilt that I carry, which makes me the person that I am today. Perhaps I feel this way because, of what I see in this world. That is more then likely the case, as I have thought this before. Perhaps I analyze things too much. I have often been told that I need to stop taking things so literal.

Perhaps its time I ended this.

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