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Intimacy and Fear of it  

New2Midlo 52M  
704 posts
9/5/2021 5:58 pm

Last Read:
9/7/2021 7:00 am

Intimacy and Fear of it

As I sit here in Kansas, sans employment, it's impossible overstate the importance of landing a job that provides a path back the East Coast. Being completely transparent (which I can do here, because there's no one active on this site who knows me) the hit my self-confidence was massive, coming out here. As everyone who's read my blog knows, I loathe the midwest and the hypocritical, vanilla, entitled, bible thumpers in the dating pool here, preventing me from establishing any meaningful relationships. But the piece I didn't share much of was having a job I hated and its impact. Yes, I was very well and I worked with awesome applications, like rocket launchers, satellites, and Formula One cars. However, my company was run by morons, so the organization never actually completed most of the projects. Because of such criminal lack of execution, I had kill programs that would have been worth tens of millions of dollars, had we gotten the products market. My manager opened his kimono, one day, and said something that perfectly encapsulated our situation. He said that it was the only company where regardless of the amount of time and effort he put into it, nothing ever improved.

But the worst part was that as someone who takes and charts his own destiny, I was impotent at being able get the out. Real men can get the out of this kind of shit; only a whimpering passive loser stays where he is. That there were circumstances that prevented an exit for a period of time, such as contracts and retirement funds that I refused raid, didn't matter. I was a loser for allowing myself stay in such a horrible situation and that destroyed my confidence. I recognize there are others who find themselves in jobs they hate and that I'm not alone.

Recently, I made the mistake of trying date again. Really, is internet dating ever not a mistake? Likely one of the dumbest moves I could make, at the moment, but I really crave companionship, beyond my cuddly and annoying parents. I've been selective with who I reach out and a few days ago, began communicating with a woman who's in my dating sweet spot; intelligent, well traveled, the right amount of hotness, etc., with the implied closet dirty . Four years ago, I knew exactly the right way draw such a woman in and seduce her with my words, long before we met. But today, I'm unable to break free of the banal wet noodle discourse and can't figure out why. What's worse is she's begun to share much more about herself (greater interest) and all I can think about is running away from this woman who's way out of my league (but is every woman I've ever had a serious relationship with). What gave me a chuckle is that at some point, I bought a copy of The Art of Seduction. Being cocky, I wanted to see if it was right or not. Perhaps I should dig it out and reread the damned thing.

The root causes for my disconcerting inability to seduce a woman are well known to me. First, I've struggled with intimacy issues for most of my life. I'll skip the psychoanalysis of its origins, but my fear of intimacy was raging after my marriage ended, because you learn to NEVER be vulnerable around a borderline. I wrote about the effects in a previous entry, Confessions of a Former Womanizer). Apparently, my condition was painfully obvious to a psychologist friend (but not to my former therapist, which is another story) and I'd done my level be mindful of it. Then, I met the woman I wanted spend the rest of my life with, with whom I was finally able be vulnerable, only for her dump me over her own insecurities. This was back in Richmond, but I arrived in the flatlands already avoiding intimacy. The second contributing factor is my confidence of being able to properly satisfy a woman in the bedroom has all but been extinguished, since moving here. Not having sex in almost two years will do that to you.

However, with how things played out, as outlined above, my fear of intimacy has become all but paralyzing, when it comes to establishing new relationships, both friendly and romantic. As an aside illustration of how fear of intimacy can impact your quality of life, I didn't want to take in my parents' , for no other reason that fear of becoming attached her. Surprisingly, I don't think my lack of employment's contribution my situation is anything greater than marginal.

While my fear of intimacy won't just vanish, a new job, with a company that's known for being highly rewarding work for, and clear path out of this hellscape is vital my mental well-being. This life improvement should also improve my blog entries where I'm writing about my dirty adventures again, instead of how much life sucks for me.

Thanks for tuning in Psychology Today.

New2Midlo 52M  
1075 posts
9/5/2021 5:59 pm

Look at these ink splotches and tell me what you see

touchofsalt 74M/74F  
3 posts
9/5/2021 7:22 pm

From our prospective you've got plenty of time to work it out. Keep one foot in the vanilla world and get out and date. There will always be reading, riting, rithmatic and the road to Richmond. Enjoyed you blog.

New2Midlo replies on 9/6/2021 7:45 pm:
Thanks for the compliment. We'll see what happens this week.

peninsula_ 52M
184 posts
9/5/2021 7:33 pm

Can't speak for the rest but as one who has been a hired gun, so to speak, these large companies have lost the plot. Countless stories about foolish managers.

You can leave me a message here

New2Midlo replies on 9/6/2021 7:47 pm:
I've historically been brought in as a change agent, myself, so between my consulting work and actually being employed by a company, I've seen a lot. I can honestly say the org I just left was its own special child. The only thing keeping more heads from rolling is legacy business. Defense programs run for decades and it's almost impossible to get thrown out.

Paulxx001 65M  
22616 posts
9/5/2021 11:26 pm

I'm in a giving mood and isn't free advice, uhm, free? 🤔

You'll need a temporary backup plan, just in case. And ya can't wallow till forever; that'll suck!

Your 'lines' are there, albeit dusty. Go and fertilize the 'willing' and practise commitment-free fornication for a while. Even great major-leaguers visit the minors for rehab after a sprain.

That bullshit dating site you visited? Ask the right question, and you'll find someone who has the right answer. I ain't never heard of anyone who's forgotten how to ride a bike. 😶

New2Midlo replies on 9/7/2021 7:00 am:
You're quite the purveyor of metaphors, Paul.

Because I plan on being out of here asap, my dating intent has been to engage with someone in a more temporal manner. As such, I made the mistake of contacting those who wouldn't have longer term potential. It's always been a mistake, because those are the women who are most likely to either reject me or make me pull my hair out, attempting to have a conversation.

Perhaps it's the anticipation of a pending offer, but I'm not so worried about it today.

lindoboy100 59M  
23969 posts
9/6/2021 2:00 am

Crikey McMid, it often seems to me that you are often very hard on yourself. In my view without good reason!

I reckon you'd be a fine catch for any woman, and if your perceived clumsiness is as bad as you think it is why is the new lady keen to offer you more details about herself?

I've always believed that self-doubt is generally a good thing, until it overwhelms reason.

Good luck.......

countryqueen1 72F

9/6/2021 2:45 am

Sounds like you've got lots of lemon growing in your patch, my friend. Time to make the proverbial lemonade. Take one step at a time starting with the most pressing, a satisfying job. Is it time to branch into something entirely new in the place you want to be living in. As I read your blogs the job issue seems to be the one draining your sense of self worth. The other issues/concerns reflect that and will not be satisfying until this one is resolved. Sometimes it just takes a leap of faith. Good luck

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